Decisions

Brace yourself. This is (almost) a novel.

The thing about decisions, is that I have a really hard time making them.

Specifically, the decision to serve a mission.

Many of you readers probably know the excitement I felt and expressed when, last October, President Thomas S. Monson announced to the world that young women are now eligible for missionary service for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints at the age of nineteen.

For me, that happens in less than a month.

I can't remember how the desire came about, but I know that I felt a desire to serve a mission when I was young. Like, primary age.
I always planned that if I was not married by age twenty-one, I would seriously consider serving.

That announcement changed things.

Allow me to divulge for a moment in reliving that day.

I was working that Saturday morning in Provo at the Assisted Living Center. I was training a new CNA (who was, by the way, an awesome girl). We separated with some different things to attend to, and I remember stopping for a quick break to check my phone (it's how all of us communicated as co-workers) when I saw a text from my mom, 

"pres. monson just made a huge announcement. YM can serve missions at 18. YW at age 19!"

My heart stopped. I felt overwhelmed with excitement and so, so happy. I immediately called my mom. 

I don't remember exactly what I said, but something to the effect of, "I'm going! I'm going! I'm going!" 

I posted probably the one and only hasty, purely emotional status on Facebook that I have ever shared, 

"I AM GOING IN APRIL AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME!!!!!!!!!!"

Many LDS family members and friends understood what I meant, but I apologize to those who had no clue what the whoo-ey was happening.

Later I received a text message from my dad. Basically he reminded me that being prepared to serve the Lord includes a proper sense of maturity and respect to those who make sacrifices to provide the opportunity for something like missionary service. Those reminders rang true in my heart and I recognized that although I was motivated by excitement, I could have been much more mature and humble in my reaction. (Gosh, I need my dad around.)

After discussing some options with my parents, we determined to talk again after I gave it some serious thought and prayer.

The Monday after conference, I drove to Seagull Book and purchased my very own copy of "Preach My Gospel". I was determined to get out in the field as soon as humanly possible, and even toyed with the idea of not going to college at all beforehand.

My heart changed a bit as I realized the logistics of serving a mission, and the more I wrestled with exerting my will of wanting to leave quickly, the less peaceful I felt in my heart about the entire process.

A few weeks later while driving home from work, I was listening to the MoTab and selected a suggested song from a General Conference session, "Called to Serve". I was curious about how that hymn, which is testifies of the very essence of missionary service, would effect my thoughts and feelings. I tried to sing a long, and I couldn't.

I was overcome with emotion. The Spirit crept in to my heart and filled me with light and joy. I remembered why I wanted to serve a mission. I remembered that I covenanted when I was baptized at eight years of age to serve the Lord with all my might, mind, and strength. I remembered how much pain and suffering and confusion I witnessed in the world, and how much I want to share with those souls in need the message of peace, love, and everlasting happiness and salvation that the message of the Gospel of Jesus Christ offers. I remembered my Savior. I remembered that He is my King, and the only reason I would ever truly want to dedicate to full-time missionary service for eighteen months of my life is because I love Him, and I want to assist in bringing other souls unto Him. I want to help others feel the enabling, forgiving, healing, and cleansing power of His infinite Atonement. I want to build His kingdom, and testify of Him.

I called my mom (during a Youth Committee meeting. Sorry, Mom.) and told her about the experience and impressions I received. I could barely complete a sentence, honestly! But I told her of the peace that I felt, and that I thought it would be right to go to BYU-Idaho for a year of college, and then serve a mission.

I see that experience as a powerful reminder of my motivations.

Now I am here, and I can start my papers as soon as I want to.

I love the spirit of missionary work, I feel a desire to serve, but when I try to imagine myself as a missionary and think about the process of preparing (i.e. submitting work, having interviews, etc.) I feel a "stupor of thought". I can't wrap my head around it. I have prayed, I have fasted, I have counseled with three different bishops (Orem, Knoxville, Rexburg), I have gone to the temple.

One of my friends made a good point. She said that it's really hard to make big decisions while all the excitement of college life is happening around us. 

Oh, and I do just love it here. Remember this?

"BYU-IDAHO, I'll see you in January!! I received my admission decision from BYU last night, and unfortunately I have not been accepted. It's a hard pill to swallow, but I'm doing ok. I know that right now I can't see what my future holds, and while it's hard to change plans and let go of my expectations, I could look back on these events later on and be really, really grateful for how things turn out. "

I had no idea how wonderfully and completely those early impressions would manifest themselves.

I am learning and growing like I never have in my life!

I never could have imagined all the blessings that the Lord would pour out upon me while I am here.

I still have challenges. In fact, my weaknesses and shortcomings surface themselves quite a bit. But there are so many lessons that I am learning, and I feel like I am on a remarkable spiritual journey.

I have decided this much: I will continue to be obedient, I will be humble, I will converse with my Heavenly Father consistently and sincerely, I will listen to and obey the quite whisperings of the Holy Ghost, and I will love it.

Just like I always have. And everything will always be ok, whether I'm supposed to serve a mission, be a social worker, make that recipe of chocolate chip cookies, or do yoga instead of zumba.

Sweet is the peace the Gospel brings. It is wonderful.

I'm glad we had this conversation! Thank you, and Happy St. Patrick's Day this week. Wishing you the best luck ever!

Jess