"Can't She Just Make up Her Mind Already?"

I'm sure that's the question many of you would ask themselves when it comes to me and serving a full-time mission for my church.

I would probably feel the same if I wasn't me.

I've had experiences that felt like answers to I should go forth and serve. I've mentioned some of them here on my blog.

But, as I've discussed before, I just can't make up my mind about it.

I know that the decisions I make during this time of my life can and probably will greatly impact my entire future.

Um, yikes!!!


I feel like I am at a giant crossroads where I could go in so many different directions. And the hardest part is that it isn't really a matter of right or wrong.

After all the thought and energy I've put forth in trying to receive a confirmation from my Heavenly Father, I think what I feel overall is that really the choices are mine to make.

There are three different ways the Lord usually answers my prayers, and I think in this case the decisions are up to me and what I desire.

Some challenges I'm experiencing have caused me to feel that maybe I can't serve a mission. Could I really do it? Could I handle the rigor and work that is required? Can I rise to that call? And thinking realistically about my personal weaknesses, could I wake up every morning and have the energy to press forward? Would it all be too overwhelming?

And the alternative directions I could take if I don't go on a mission would be focusing on my education, or maybe falling in love and getting married (I'm just saying, it's possible!).

If I end up staying home and going back to school to pursue my education, I feel nervous about that as well. Do I really feel right about my major? How concerned should I be about getting a job right out of college? How am I going to pay for everything? What am I really trying to get out of my education? Is college even the right path for me if 53% of recent graduates are unemployed or working in an area where their degree isn't required or valuable?

I know that the greatest mission I have on this earth is the opportunity to be a mother. Obviously a worthy husband has to come along before that. That brings a whole new swarm of questions, doubts, worries, and fears. If I were presented with the choice right now, do I feel confident that I could be a good wife? Could I care for a family? Can I be trusted with the sacred responsibility of motherhood? Could I cope with all the challenges and work of family life? Am I responsible enough?


Am I good enough?




It's hard to struggle with these questions.

But one of the main reasons I chose to go back home this fall is so that I can clear my head and focus on the things that matter.

My health (emotional, mental, physical, spiritual) and faith have to come first.

And so, my friends, I think it is just going to take me some more time.